Old Newwby

It’s been six/seven months since I tumblr’d actively. Late October to early May.
I do apologise to the three or four of you that actually enjoy my drivel - I’ll try harder.

As a footnote I was just about to boot up BF2 to play with my bot buddies and realised that I log in to the online. I have an account and I log in BEFORE I PLAY OFFLINE MODE AND OFFLINE ONLY. #Antisocial

So it’s the time of year when I’m rereading all the webcomic’s I subscribe to and their entire archives. Alright - ‘the time of every three or four years’ would be more accurate. The comics I read shift VERY slowly so I read the same ones over and over again, particularly ones to do with gaming or math. I thought long and hard about the last sentence but couldn’t think of a ‘cool’ way to write that so just went full geek. It’ll kinda blend well with the post later.

So I’ve been reading Penny Arcade again - I’m going to assume you know what that is and if you don’t I want you off my blog and back to whatever farm you came from. You could also do a google search.

At the minute I’m somewhere in early 2003 at the minute but a while back I passed a comic where Tycho(sp?) told a story about Gabe playing a game of Unreal Tournament in which he thought he was playing with real people but they were bots. Again - I assume you know what I mean (or can guess) by ‘bots’. The farm thing still applies otherwise.

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It hurt so much that she was apart even when I was trying to dislike her. I’d been betrayed so many times before and yet this misunderstanding hurt the most. She yelled and I felt like killing myself. She cried and I felt like killing everyone else.

A single shot glass propelled us in to a spiral of anger from which it was difficult to retreat yet both our olive branches were thorny and ill thought out.

She thinks I used her but nothing could be further from the truth. I think she doesn’t care for me and yet I know that isn’t true.

My heart breaks and the one person who understood it is the person who did it.

Adult life, even that of a faux adult like myself, can be overwhelming. Before you know it you’ll have debts to juggle and responsibilities to pay. Maybe even the other way around!

Thats why I’m going to let you in on my patented Old Newwby Relief System ©. Please note system is neither sexual nor actually patented.

Just stop, drop and r- hold on… Nope, not it. One second… I put it here somewhere… When I did lose THOSE! Ahh shit, shoulda paid that… Ummm buggery doesn’t seem to be - oh no wait here we go!

Stop all your swimming thoughts from, well, swimming. Maybe take a deep breath or eat something. Then make a goddamned list. Lists have been saving my arse (or ass if you’re Am- wrong) since I was but a child barely aware I had memory problems bordering on dementia. Organise your thoughts and itll organise your emotions - no more punching postmen for you, nosir!

Take my morning today for example! Absolute stress all morning and the accomplishment of nothing. Then I stopped and thought about how what I had to do broke down in to manageable bits, then wrote a list of what I had to do overall, what I definitely had to do and the time I had to do it. Im oversimplifying my organisational nature but thats the bare bones of the first step! Suddenly the stress was gone and I could get on with my day!

Or go on Tumblr, that works too.

I’m going to get right on it here and make the introductory paragraphs shorter than they should be by my standard format because this is mostly supposed to be a secretive post. Not to mention I already wrote that fuck-off massive post shortly before.

Having just trawled back through my old posts (trying to read up on old stuff to refresh the blog vibe in my posts - got as far as October 6th 2011) I came across the ‘Gold Account’ posts that I intermittently do. I stopped posting them mostly because I stopped posting fully fleshed out blogs as a whole.

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Wow that was just about the most god-awful cringe-worthy generic-as-fuck title I’ve ever used on this blog. However I’m having a lazy afternoon now I’m done with work so bugger if I’m changing it. Y’all can just put up with it/laugh at it/alternate as you please. A little disclaimer before we begin our waltz; this is going to start depressive but be an upbeat positive post later.

First off - a whole hearted ‘welcome back’ to the formatting standard I’ve used since the very beginning of this blog and apologies to any and all (read: no-one) reading because this post gets real fucking long… Right. Going back to the whole melancholic (just about the best word anyone ever made up or derived) depression state I’ve suffered the past -

*Scuse me*
*OM NOM NOM APPLE PIE*

- three months or so.

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Read through a few old posts. Man those things are depressive. I just need to make clear - recently aside - I am not a ill-tempered or pessimistic person. I generally see the good in most things and get excited easily over stupid stuff but obviously when I’m happy I don’t feel the need to write ‘oh my god I’m so happy’ but when I’m upset I need to get it off my chest so I do. So you only hear about the bad. I’ll try and get around to fixing that but I might not so just keep it in mind that I’m not about to jump off fifty bridges yeah?

Ok so Im not exactly on the toilet and since its off my phone the post is going to be largely unformatted again. Somewhat misspelt too Id wager since my browser spellchecker has made me lazy. That however is exactly what I want to talk about.

Brain Hacking.

Brain Hacking has been a favourite reading topic of mine this week and Ive been boring various members of my family talking about it so I thought Id blog it and get it out of my system.

Brain Hacking is the practice of tricking your brain to do things that are outside of its normal functioning parameters because doing so is AWESOME if not a bit unhealthy. The spelling bit from earlier is to do with how our brains work, specifically that they only remember the important stuff such as how Suzy Jenkins in third grade rejected you, not what you were wearing that day.

Disclaimer: Im on the toilet now.

If you start replacing the need for you to know something with an accessable source that already knows it (like a little brother or wife who always remembers birthdays) then your brain will probably just go ‘ehh ask someone else Im busy’. Yes, in this example your brain is all of your coworkers personified.

Thats not all brain hacking related exactly though. The hack part comes when you get your revenge back total recall style by reprogramming it. Try this (read: DO NOT TRY THIS) on for size (courtesy of cracked.com like most of this info because I do too much factchecking at uni and cba here): - Cut a pingpong ball in half - Tape the halves to your eyes - Get headphones and listen to radio static - Stare in to a bright red light - Wait half an hour or more

Hey presto youre legally hallucinating! This is apparently because your brain no longer understands the stimuli it is recieving, shuts them out and then, like Stephanie Meyer, has decided to make a bunch of horrendous nightmarish shit up.

My favourite from that-article-that-Im-basically-retyping though was the Ubermann sleep schedule. Im a big fan of body fucking sleep schedules.

Basically it goes that you sleep twenty to thirty minutes every four hours. After close to two weeks of sleep deprivation later youve tricked your body in to getting REM sleep (thats the good columbian stuff) straight away rather than a few hours in. You may then proceed to live much longer than your peers simply by out-waking them.

Take that Suzy Jenkins!

You have my sincere apologies for making the first post back a bit of a downer. Really though it’s not a big shocker because I started blogging when I was a teenager to help with my mood and usually return when I’ve got a mental problem of sorts.

This one is a doozy though. Depression. Not that I haven’t been in a low mood ever before, or been bummed out for long periods. I’d even go s’far as to clain I’d experienced proper depression in my life, marred with a complimentary bout of borderline alcoholism.

This one is unique though because I cant narrow down any cause.

I first remember feeling low sometime in late September and ignoring it. I think I went out drinking to quell it, which worked fine. I usually don’t pay attention to a random or unexplained spot of sadness. As time went on it repeatedly happened, for little reason or mostly no reason, and I turned to exercise and eventually food as fixes.

Come November time I was feeling completely worthless with myself (a new and unrelated emotion) but the infrequent (growing more and more frequent) clouds of low feeling, and yes ocassionally ponderment of suicide, continued.

Turning to computer games helped for a time but I was still drinking and binge-eating with only temporary alleviation.

If we fastforward to now then I’m still feeling crap with myself, still throwing around ‘what’s the point?’ thoughts and not doing anything to help my mood. I’m spending more than a third of every day feeling completely low and like shit for literally no reason.

Blogging is just another attempt to make myself feel better because nowt else is working, not stimulants not depressants not social contact or even romantic engagement. I can’t place the source and I can’t place the solution.

Fuck my life.