Confidence and the Crushing Soul Weight

I’ve heard it said that human beings are prone to remembering the bad stuff, and forgetting the good stuff. We’ll hear a story about some community raising money for the medical treatment of a local, only to instantly forget it when some mother of three is accidentally gunned down on the evening news. Remembering the bad things isn’t an awful thing in itself - the world can be a shitty place and it’s important to take stock of the crap stuff so we can take a shot at changing or fixing it. As I understand it though, those good heartwarming stories are quickly forgotten; whereas the nastier sins of humanity are dwelt on for a long time.

This especially applies to our own twisted self narrative, y’know the kind in which we mentally distort facts over time to create something we can live with. Just stop for a second and think of something good that happened to you, something that brightened your day however temporarily. Now think of something that upset you - something that caused you pain, shame or turmoil. Were the two events equal? Do you remember them as they happened (how would you know?), or have you crystalised one more vividly than the other?

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A Parent’s Influence (Thought Piece)

I’ve been noticing a trend with my writing since I resumed my ever-quest to be a semi-professional writer; I’m obsessed with the effect of, or rather the impact of, a father upon his son/s. My pet novel project features this as a central theme, exploring the dichotomy between a man brought up with an absentee father with next to no input; As well as a man with an extremely present and sometimes overly rigid father. This has the side effect of relegating the supposed equal-footing female protagonists to a distinctly supporting role, something that only just occurred to me to my displeasure. My project for National Novel Writing Month 2014 already seems to be leaning the same way too, building each of the main characters up from an initial exploration of each of their relationships toward their father (although at least this attempt does not exclude the women).

I wouldn’t be surprised, if after reading that introductory preamble, you immediately assumed this has some bearing on my relationship with my own father. I expect you’re guessing at something of a negative history, something I don’t openly talk about? Well Freud I’m afraid you better sit back down because you were close but no cigar. I’m obsessed with exploring the concept because I had a fantastic relationship with both my father and step-father.

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Suicide is probably my future

I had a rather sobering moment recently, whilst laying awake and unable to sleep, when it occurred to me the most likely reason for my death will be suicide.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not depressed at the moment, I’m pretty fucking satisfied with my life, and I’m looking to have a damnably long one so that I can piss off all the people who don’t like me, this is not a cry for help. This is an observation. It’s just that large parts of my personality seem to support the hypothesis.

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I cannot finish things

Will I ever learn to finish anything? My life is littered with things I’ve started with great passion, only to leave with apathy so potent it could only be matched by the passion I entered into the project with. I am the poster child for a short attention span, with a mind so chaotic and flighty I weep at the prospect of all my lost achievement had I ever learnt the discipline to actually sit down and see something out until the end. Today I found a promising video game I was developing, with an entire world history written alongside the actual project, abandoned somewhere in the first act. I remember starting the project and I remember spending weeks on the architecture to support the game, telling friends about it and then one day just starting something new. I’m just not that prone to finishing things.

That’s not to say I’ve never finished anything in a life. I’ve driven more than a few relationships to their end!

Editors note: Har de har.

No, I think back and there are definitely a few things that I’ve finished. The problem is the disparity in projects started, to projects completed. I think, and this could be off by a couple in either direction, the score stands at roughly 30,000 projects started to 4 projects completed. On average I’ve gone off the rails a week or two into a project every week or two since I was 5 years old. The problems go back that early. I used to design playground games for my friends and I to play at break times, and every day there’d be a brand new half-finished game that I’d written the night before. You could quite easilly describe it as ‘the only thing Dan is capable of seeing through to the end is his pattern of not seeing things through to the end’.

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Update: Supernatural

I realise I’ve been taking an extended va-cay from tumblr since my breakup (don’t wanna get trapped in any figurative glass cages of emotion/yelling about how much of a bitch my ex is), and I promised I would work on my own blog site (I am), but I felt like tumblr needed to know that I started to watch Supernatural.

The only main tumblr fandom that I wasn’t a part of before (I’d consider the others to be HP, aSoIaF/GoT, Sherlock & Doctor Who) and dayuhmn am I now.

Dean, Castiel (I may have something of a man crush on Misha Collins), Bobby and Crowley *coughbadger* (plus the actors who play them) are awesome! Some of my favourite TV characters to date.

Currently on S7 (pretty good considering I started slightly less than a month ago), no spoilers please.

Look tumblr, I meant to quit. Pack up and leave.
My girlfriend and I split - I’ve not been feeling much of anything lately.
I keep talking to strangers and even though I’m doing a better job of chatting with my friends I’m still pretty isolated emotionally.

I honestly intended post-breakup I’d just quit tumblr and setup my own site like I intended but I guess that’s not how it’s going to play out.

So look, I’m back but I need time to heal before I get totally involved again. Give me a bit of space, a modicum of support and we’ll see if we can’t recapture our reposting glory days. I’d actually like to get some more followers, find some more online friends if possible. This has been a pretty exclusive blog up until now.

Guess who’s been drinking!